Saturday, December 27, 2014


The other night, my husband and I sat down by the fire and started talking about our life. One of those cozy nights where you just want to curl up under a blanket with a cup of some steaming tea, and you feel hopeful and cheery. The Christmas lights make everything seem magical and warm. It's the holidays and I love the holidays and I will enjoy them till New Years:) We talked about our life now, and what we want it to look like in the future. We shared our dreams, our hopes, our desires, and our goals. And for some reason, I realized that there are so many dreams and goals that we both have, that maybe the other one didn't really think about. Maybe it was something small of his, that was always in the back of my mind, but I didn't realize just how much he wanted this for our life or vice versa. We also talked about dreams that have always been mutual dreams of ours, but maybe we never settled a "yes" we are going to do this, God willing, and this is why it's important to us, and this is how we're going to fulfill this. And wow, it felt amazing to have these discussions.

I think it's so important to talk about the coming year, and the coming year(s). It's so important to be on the same page. I want to know his dreams and make them mine, and for mine to be his. I want to talk about our shared dreams and figure out how we're going to make them happen. I think it's really easy to have all these goals in the back of our minds, but harder to actually know how to accomplish them if you don't talk about it with one another. Or if you're single, if you don't wrestle with them yourself. Some of these dreams are small and easier to achieve. Some are big, and will take thought and special planning if they are ever going to happen. One of my goals is just to finish college (yet again). A couple years ago, I never envisioned myself to be changing my career and getting another degree, but here I am. Some are what we envision our family to look like some day. Some are precious and very personal. Of course, we don't know what turns and stumbles are going to happen to us in this life, and what different things God has planned for us. Maybe He will completely flip our life over and we'll be grasping just to keep our balance. We completely believe that His will is better than ours in all situations, even as hard as the road may be. But I also believe that we need to go for the things we want, and cannot just expect that they will fall into our laps without work or intentional living in the present.

I am a huge believer in being intentional in our lives. Having an awareness and being mindful. I want to chase my dreams and my purpose. Something that I believe we were made to do! But also something that I find increasingly difficult during long days of work and study. Sometimes (and most of the time this last semester) it took all of my energy to get through the day... much less think about goals I have for the future. Which is why when we have days of rest, it's so important to take advantage. Think, wonder, create goals for your life. I think we need this, we all do. We need to have hope for the future. We need to have dreams. We need to believe things will get better. And even though this stage of my life is not like ones past where I needed this with a desperate urgency, when my life was a lot more gray... we still need this hope no matter where we are at today.

This is something that I'm determined to think about regularly. To have these talks with my husband. I love to just sit and dream together about our lives, talk about things we want to do, our passions. Sometimes it really surprises me the things that he has been thinking about. That I had no clue, but then I get passionate about myself. I want his passions to become mine and mine, his. I want to become his partner in every sense of the word. I want to be passionate about this life of mine. I want to be optimistic and excited about the future. Maybe none of these things will happen. Maybe God will put us on a completely different road. But I at least want to know that I am doing my best in this life I was given. That I am allowing myself to be used for a greater good. I also realize, for some reason, I am more content with my life in the present when I have hopes for the future. When I have realistic goals and dreams for my life, I am much more able to just be present and enjoy the time I am in right now. I want to relish this. I will never get it back. This time, just me and my husband, living here, with the beautiful friends and family we have by our sides... we will never have life exactly like this again. I don't ever want to take my life at the present moment for granted. It is incredibly precious. But life changes, the future always comes, and I want it to be beautiful as well.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Making, Wanting, Feeling

Making: art projects and paintings with the kids today.
Cooking: avocado pasta

Drinking: water. Staying away from coffee for a bit. Why must you taunt me?
Reading: E.E. Cummings - Selected Poems
Wanting: August to be here, to be in Maine with my love.
Looking: at blue sunny skies and doggies on walks
Playing: all day long with the munchkins, lately making pretend grocery lists and pretending to grocery shop in the kitchen.
Wishing: for complete contentment 
Enjoying: the sound of Feist
Liking: being barefoot
Wondering: what I should be doing for others, what I am forgetting, getting caught in my own concerns
Loving: motorcycle rides
Hoping: for a beautiful summer
Marveling: at love and it's strength
Needing: more sleep. Much much more sleep.
Smelling: my perfume
Wearing: pink! Which is surprising.
Following: my God
Noticing: how relationships grow and mold over time, and there is always hope for restoration
Knowing: self-care is essential, adequate sleep, food...
Thinking: always and maybe too much
Bookmarking: ideas that stir my soul
Opening: letters from loved ones
Giggling: with good friends
Feeling: thankful

Monday, May 5, 2014

Almost but not yet.

I am hearing birds sing their faint familiar song outside my window. I'm able to sense the sunshine and the warmth that calms me, delights me, soothes me. I'm seeing rabbits, two of them, playing and doing their rabbity things. I am in anticipation of spring which is upon us, so close I can taste it, but not here completely. I have hope that it will come and that it will be soon because I can hear the signs, see it in the distance, smell it. Yet it's not fully here like it usually is at this time... At least not the glorious, warm, bright, blossoming, vibrant spring that I know. No, that is not here yet, but we know it's coming. After a winter that was so cold it hurt my bones, I am longing for it, aching for it. And there's something about it being so close but yet so far, it's lingering in the horizon that seems all the more taunting, all the more brutal to wait. It is all that we can think about.

There is also something in the distance for me. Close, but not here yet. Something so good, but still has not come. I am so ready. Ready to be with the one I love most each and every day. Engagement should be a fun time, but as I long for spring, I also long for this time to be completed and to be with my bestfriend for the rest of my life.

I am not a normal bride in some respects. I do not particular enjoy wedding planning, or dwell on and get excited by all the small details. I am so excited for our wedding, but just more so to be with this man who I love so much. I am ready for this season to be over and I am ready for the spring, the new, all our adventures that are waiting for us to experience together. Meanwhile, I must wait with a contentment. I must wait with the hope that the new season is soon! Spring is right around the corner and I am so ready. But let me love this time between and this moment I am in. Let me learn to be content in this season, for none of us will ever get it back. Live with an appreciation of the now and not just a longing for the future. Let me be grateful for the hope that I do have. For what is right within my grasp. Let me realize that this time too, although maybe not as bright and colorful as spring, is a joyful time too and something to take pleasure in. May we all find the way to live life in this very moment, to soak it all in before it's gone forever. May we not wish our lives away but take part in what is around us. We have hope that spring will come, it always does.