Sunday, January 9, 2011

decisions and anticipation

It's my last night at home before I leave for college. And not only leave for college, but leave for college for the last time in my life, after a significant period of time away from it. Tomorrow morning I head back to the city that I first moved to 5 years ago, my first time away from home as an 18 year old, not knowing at all what to expect. A city that I have truly grown up in, became independent in, explored, and formed a life of my own in. A city that's seen me through many difficult times, but also times of great growth and newness in my life. And now I realize that this will be the last time I will be heading back to this city after my Christmas break and joining this old familiar place and familiar faces.

I have so many different feelings of moving to this city again. It's strange when you've spent the last 4 months living in a different country, to all the sudden try and go back to this city where you feel like a different person than the last time you were there. When all the while, not having a clue what life is going to be like after this last semester of college. After graduation. It's scary not knowing where your life is headed. I've been a student for so long now, it's strange knowing that I won't be in classes next year. And honestly, if I thought I was, I'd probably be going insane right about now. But it's just a scary feeling not knowing where God is leading you. And trusting that he actually is leading you and he has a plan. Honestly, I am so ready to move on. I am ready for the next stage in my life. I just wish I knew what that was. I wish I had a plan.

Lately I've had to make some big decisions in my life. Decisions that concern my future and what I will be doing after college. Adult decisions. I feel at peace about the decisions I've made, yet there is still so much unknown. I can only wait now. Pray and wait. I don't even know where I will be living, much less anything else about my life after these last 4 months of my college career.
I began to get scared about the unknown. The what's next. I want to plan where I will be and know that I will be okay. Where the hell is life going to take me next?

But maybe this whole not knowing thing should be fun. Part of the journey. Maybe there's a whole new adventure for my life, that is bigger than anything I could have ever planned out for myself. Maybe I just need to trust. I said I didn't want my life to become comfortable. Well I have 4 more months to lead that relatively comfortable life of knowing what I am doing, and then the uncomfortableness will be there knocking. But maybe that is what I really need in life.

I don't want to miss out on life and the here and the now because I am too busy worried about the future. I don't want to miss what God is doing in my life today because I am worried about tomorrow.
I want to live my life with hope and great anticipation! To dwell in the fact that He has good things planned for me because He is good. To get lost in every day little things. To not dwell on my fears but put them to rest in my Father's hands. To know that his plan is greater and bigger than anything that we could ever imagine or dream for ourselves. I want to enjoy wearing my yellow pants (my happy pants if you will) and write and dream. I want to cherish these young free years of mine where I have so much time to live adventures, and explore the world, explore God's huge beautiful creation. Meet people, oh how I love meeting and learning about new people. Ahh... life is too short to worry, and why should we, when we have a God who is so big? He does have a plan for me, and he has one for you too.
So I'm going to spend the rest of this semester in this old city friend of mine, and keep living. Keep hoping. And I don't know if I will still be in this city after these next 4 months, or if I won't even be in this country. But I am going to live with wild anticipation and enjoy the here and now. And I hope you'll join me and smell the flowers along the way too.